United We Stand

The news has been particularly disturbing recently. It’s seems as though the nation is in a mad rush to destroy itself as quickly as possible. It’s amazing how much we have been split into our different ideological camps and how much we’ve convinced ourselves that everyone outside of that camp is a demon.

The sage internet advice of last year was “Don’t feed the trolls.” Now it seems that the trolls have not only glutted themselves, they are running the show. The more vicious and divisive you are, the more people pay attention to you. The more ludicrous your claims are, the more you are lauded. The more demonic you make your opponent to seem, the more praise you receive.

There are very real and frightening examples of where this kind of division is headed; in the presidential election for one, but even more frighteningly in the many killings that have taken place recently. Very many seem eager to place blame on “the other side” with lots of reasons, statistics, and rhetoric; and the trolls fill the comment sections, ever more angry, self-righteous, and ridiculous.

The end result is that we all leave more angry with each other, and more certain that everyone else is simply evil.

And then this happened: These Black Lives Matters protesters planned a march. The police threw them a cookout instead

The TLDR; is this: A man whose brother was shot by police was organizing a BLM rally in Wichita. The police chief called him up and asked him to re-arrange the event. Instead of a rally, the protesters and the police got together and had a cookout. The police took questions and answered them. They mingled, talked, and enjoyed each others’ company.

This took guts. It took guts for the police. It took guts for the protesters and especially the organizer of the rally. It took some calming down, and stopping and listening. I applaud them and want to set this as the example of how we could and should move forward in our country. I worry that the alternative is to let the trolls work us up into such a frenzy that we tear apart our communities, and even our nation.

I hope that we can take some time to work with others instead of yelling at them.

United we stand.

UCAP Conference

My wife and I attended an anti-pornography conference put on by the Utah Coalition Against Pornography.

It was really good and very eye-opening. Below are some of my notes, hopefully reworked so they are somewhat more coherent. Sorry, this is a really long post. But I think it’s pretty important.

Donald Hilton gave the opening keynote. His speech focused on the science behind pornography addiction. He discussed “Neuroplasticity,” which is the science of how the brain is constantly changing itself. Under normal circumstances, the brain makes connections and drops connections based on what we do and how often we do it. Reminds me of the phrase, “That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our power to do so is increased.”

He explained how addictions take advantage of and short-circuit this process. Ironically, part of that involves less dopamine (pleasure) being released in the brain. That means that in the case of an addiction, the same action that created a high before doesn’t accomplish that after a while. He went on to demonstrate how it has been shown that exposure to pornography has this same effect, just like drugs such as cocaine and heroine.

He defined addiction as follows: Addiction is a chronic disease of the pleasure systems, involving a loss of control of the activity and requiring increasing levels of stimuli.

He mentioned that critics attack him for pushing his moral stance. To which he replies that he prefers to discuss it on a scientific basis. He mentioned previous inadequate studies and ideas promoting pornography and compared them to early studies showing how good smoking was for you, or advertising things such as cocaine toothache drops; the point being that our knowledge and understanding of what is harmful grows and changes over time. We know more about how the brain works and can see how pornography really is an addiction in the classical sense (something which we did not understand not that long ago).

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The second presentation was from Jill Manning, who talked about being a “media savvy” family. This session took on a broader scope than pornography. Her speech focused on developing internal rather than external controls. The external controls are very important and should not be excluded. These are typically technological solutions such as filters.

The internal controls are character and integrity, demonstrated both offline and online (many people seem to have a problem with integrity and character when they’re online). These internal controls, if developed, will make the external controls much more effective and provide protection for the times and places where the external controls aren’t there.

She retold the story of the 3 little pigs, comparing the wolf to toxic media. The first pig hardly takes a thought to protecting himself, and quickly falls prey to the wolf. The second pig puts more effort into protecting himself, but again it is not nearly enough. The third pig takes a LOT of time and effort to really protect himself. Even then he knows that is not enough (in the version where the wolf gets in through the chimney), and watches for known weak areas, taking extra care by regularly keeping a fire in the fireplace.

She talked about being conscious and aware about the media that you and your children are consuming. On average, youth spend 7 hours per day on entertainment media. Young adults spend 12 hours per day. Approximately 100,000 words cross our eyes and ears each day.

She asked, “If the only thing someone knew about you is the media you consume as well as when and where you consume it, what would it say about you? What does it say about how you use your time? Is there anything they would learn that would make you cringe? Is it too much or too often?”

Another way to look at it is to think of the top three to five priorities in your life. Does the time you spend consuming entertainment media fit with your priorities? This is not to say that we should stop all media use, but maybe it could be trimmed some to make more time for the things that are really important.

Another suggestion was to think of the content that you consume. Is it mentally or spiritually nourishing? How well does it reflect your values?

It’s also important to establish standards as a family. There are several variations of a “Clean and Safe Media Pledge” that you can download and adjust to your own standards and values. Review it regularly with your family and update it as needed. Have regular media-free times. Fill that time with other activities, preferably family activities. Read a book together, go on walks, play sports, work on a garden, work on other projects. There are so many good things that we can be involved in.

Consciously seek out the best, and mindfully avoid the worst. Sometimes finding the best things takes a while, and that’s fine.

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My favorite presentation was from Clay Olsen, with Fight The New Drug (FTND). They are something like “D.A.R.E.” from the 80’s. They do mostly youth assemblies in high schools and junior high schools discussing pornography and its dangers. Clay’s presentation was geared toward helping us adults understand what the pornography landscape looks like to a teen and what we need to do as parents and leaders to help. At the same time, we got a pretty good flavor of what their youth presentations are like.

Parents need to better understand the dangers of pornography. We need to understand that it really is an addiction and should be treated as such. Just saying “cut it out” or “don’t do it” is not really helpful. Teens need the facts, which means that parents need to understand the facts.

The harms of porn fall into 3 main categories:

  • It is addictive
  • It kills love
  • It harms society

The addictive nature of porn has already been discussed by Dr. Hilton, but they have a somewhat simplified version of the same ideas that they present. It needs to be treated like an addiction.

On how porn can kill love, he referred to an experiment performed by Dr. Tinbergen, in which he created cardboard versions of a certain kind of female butterfly with exaggerated colors and markings. He found that the male butterflies preferred the cardboard fake and would try to mate with those rather than the real butterflies.

He discussed how porn changes men’s view and attitudes about women, objectifying them so that they see a woman as a collection of parts rather than a person. A person hooked on porn can get to the point where they simply prefer the virtual false experience over the real thing. (Raymond Berner and Ana J. Bridges, 2002)

On the harms to society: A common misconception is that porn and trafficking are not related. In fact the opposite is true. The porn industry fuels the trafficking industry. Many sex performers are trafficked and have no real way out. But to the consumer of porn, it is presented as consensual. They have no idea what is going on. He played a recording of a sex performer talking about the various drugs that would be given to her before a performance was to be recorded: a amnesiac, or a paralytic, or a strong pain suppressor, or some odd combination, depending on what the desired result was.

Another thing that parents and leaders need to understand is that porn today is so much different than it used to be. Part of that is due to the various new mediums available (for example, web-camming). Clay opened our eyes a bit more when he mentioned that many of the teens he worked with did not consider Playboy to be porn, as it consisted only of nudity. A study concluded that 88% of the more popular porn films portrayed violence to women and children.

He went over what he called the the four A’s:

  • Accessible – Porn is accessible in nearly all times and places. Many of us have phones, which means access to porn is available in our pocket, 24/7.
  • Affordable – There is a lot of content that is free. This industry focuses on trapping the teen in order to get a lifelong paying customer.
  • Anonymous – Drugs and smoking have external signs, whereas signs of porn use are much harder to detect.
  • Addictive – (Already discussed)

At this point Clay shifted gears in the presentation more towards prevention. Not surprisingly, he emphasized that parents are a big part of the solution. They need to be involved early and often. Clay indicated that in the few years FTND has been in operation, they have seen younger and younger children admit to problems with porn.

Parents need to get educated about porn, and that’s not a one-time thing (like a conference). They need to continue to educate themselves on what is going on, especially with their youth. They need to pay attention to what their youth are doing and experiencing. They have found that the first exposure to porn typically happens inside the home (79%).

Some things that parents need to be familiar with (not in a over-the-shoulder interrogating way):

– What publications and media access do your kids have?
– What internet access to they have?
– Where can they access that media?
– When can they access the media?
– What social media profiles or streaming services do your kids use?

At this point he brought up a slide with about 50 different logos to various social sites that are currently available. None of which are particularly evil, but any of which can (and do to some extent) have explicit content shared on them. He did warn specifically against Tumblr and Snapchat. One cautionary tale he told was of two teenage girls who shared explicit pictures of themselves on some site. They quickly realized realized their mistake and took them down. They had been up for about a minute. And that’s all it took for those pictures to be copied, shared, tweeted, and re-tweeted. Those girls ended up having to change schools because of it.

Next he shared some warning signs that there might be a problem. These included:

  • Deleting the browser history
  • Using a different browser than what everyone else uses
  • Being overly protective of their digital device
  • Accessing the internet without monitoring

Again he emphasized the need to discuss this with our children, and sooner than we think. The one-time “birds and bees” discussion is simply not enough. It should be an ongoing (regular) conversation about healthy sexual relationships as opposed to counterfeits. Helping our children understand the difference between these two was his “If you don’t remember anything else, remember this” statement. Kids today don’t really have a context, and if they don’t get that understanding and education from their parents, they may not even understand that there is a difference.

Some guidelines on having these conversations:

  • Make sure there is enough time. Don’t have something in the oven
  • Make it one on one.
  • Try to not make it a forced conversation.
  • Understand that the vast majority of teens really do want a committed lifelong relationship
  • Be “In their corner.” Kids are absolutely inundated with this. Love them first and foremost
  • Don’t shame or guilt. The majority of teens have this problem.
And then guidelines on what to say:
  1. Ask questions and listen. find out where the gaps and misunderstandings are.
  2. Teach them the facts. Teens are figuring themselves out. deciding if they believe what you believe. They need the facts.
  3. Share your family values. Don’t skip the other steps and go directly to this–that’s just a lecture.
  4. Repeat. repeat. repeat.
He also talked about the need to having family standards and making sure our children know what those standards are.

This was my favorite of the sessions. To me it was the most applicable in giving me a framework and ideas to use in teaching my children, particularly on the “What to say and how to say it” And I did rather like that his “Don’t forget this!” point was very much along the lines of what my parents taught me growing up.

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The final keynote was given by Mary Anne Layden and was titled “What’s the Problem? What’s the Solution?” One of the main focuses of her talk was about “Permission-giving Beliefs” and how those things can lead people to do or believe things that they otherwise wouldn’t. She talked about counseling with people who believed that sex is a need, and how that justified many different behaviors.

She gave some statistics that were pretty concerning. I didn’t write all of them down, but here are a few:
  • Porn performers’ average life expectancy is less than 38
  • Only 25% have a marriage that lasts as long as 3 years.
  • 77% of prostitutes have head injuries
  • 68% of prostitutes have PTSD
  • 87% want to get out of prostitution
  • The average age that a woman goes into prostitution is 13. Typically they’ve been raped and are homeless.
That last one in particular was really scary.

She discussed three different policy strategies surrounding the selling of sex. One of these was to legalize it. Not surprisingly, that tends to lead to vastly increased prostitution and trafficking.

Another common approach is to make prostitution illegal. She showed mugshots taken by a Denver sheriff of prostitutes under arrest. Each women was in her late teens or early twenties. There were 8 mugshots taken–each was a successive arrest. The problem is that the woman gets arrested, then released, and then what can she do? Very typically they just go right back to prostitution, as they don’t really have any other option (that they can see). The really sad thing about these mugshots was seeing how very many of the pictures showed that they have been beaten. By the eighth shot, it looked like they had aged twenty years, yet all the samples we were shown took place within two years or less.

She then mentioned a different approach taken by Sweden. This country decided to make the purchase of sex illegal, which means the man (usually) is the one that gets arrested. What happens to the prostitute? She is considered a victim and given counseling, drug rehab if needed, and subsidized housing. The idea is to punish the demand. From the numbers she showed it appeared to be a wildly successful approach, with the number of prostitutes going down from the thousands to the hundreds.

She mentioned another study asking men what things would keep them from purchasing a prostitute. There were lots and lots of interesting responses, such as “tell my mom” and “impound my car.”

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Not much else to say, except possibly “Eww” and “Help!” Dr. Hilton closed his speech with the following quotes from World War II. The first is from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who was a pastor executed by the Nazis for speaking out against their regime.

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.”

The second is from Winston Churchill:

“We ask no favours of the enemy. We seek from them no compunction… We will have no truce or parley with you, or the grisly gang who work your wicked will. You do your worst – and we will do our best…

We do not expect to hit without being hit back, and we intend with every week that passes to hit harder. Prepare yourselves, then, my friends and comrades, for this renewal of your exertions. We shall never turn from our purpose, however sombre the road, however grievous the cost, because we know that out of this time of trial and tribulation will be born a new freedom and glory for all mankind.”

http://www.winstonchurchill.org/learn/speeches/speeches-of-winstonchurchill/129-you-do-your-worst-and-we-will-do-our-best

My Political Leanings

Republican or Democrat? Libertarian or Tea-Party?

While the LDS Church does take a stand on certain issues, it does not endorse any political party or candidate. Instead the Church encourages its members to be active politically and be a voice in their states and communities.

As we gear up for the next round of elections, I wanted to take a few minutes and list some of my political thoughts, largely as an exercise for myself. I’m curious to see what comes…

These are not necessarily ordered. I don’t plan in going to any great detail on any of these. Some of them may lead to follow-up posts.

1. I believe in the importance of the traditional family in society. This has been the hot-button issue of the day. I do think that government should be involved in promoting the traditional family by providing reasonable benefits and rights to families.

2. Parents have the right to direct how their children are raised. 20 years ago I didn’t think it was necessary, but now I think we really should consider a parental rights amendment.

3. Religion is important to a moral society (and yes, I do want to live in a moral society). One of the great ideas of this country from the time of some of the first colonies, is the free exercise of religion. That means that religion is not only allowed, but should be encouraged in the public square.

4. I emphatically do not believe in a completely hands-off economy. There are places where the government absolutely needs to provide some regulation.

5. Having said that, I think that currently there is way too much regulation, and a fair amount should be removed, clarified, updated, and condensed. In my mind, this should be the focus of current legislations: rather than adding ever more rules and regulations, we should be reducing and condensing existing laws (perhaps I’m just misunderstanding how bills are done, though).

6. Capitalism is not perfect. No system is. It’s about as good as we’re going to find.

7. I do not believe in a flat tax rate. Again, I would agree that our current tax code is too complex and should be reduced. In general, I would argue that those living below the poverty level should not pay taxes, while those who make over 150,000 should pay a fair amount. Middle class families should not have to pay more than 25%, and even that is really high.

8. The government is severely bloated and needs to be reduced. The 2012 presidential debates were riddled with questions of “what would you cut from the budget?” If it were me, I would have argued that the list of what is not on the table is easier to quantify: veteran’s benefits, social security, soldiers and teachers pay below 100,000. That’s all I can think of offhand.

9. Welfare should not be eliminated, but should be reworked to focus more on helping people to get back on their feet where possible. Again, no system is perfect, and people will take advantage of whatever system is in place. Try to reduce that, but don’t worry about making it perfect. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to perform drug tests.

10. I think immigration should be easy. Really easy. I think work visas, green cards, etc. should be even easier. Let them come. Let them work. Let them contribute to our country. Let them pay taxes. I don’t buy the “taking jobs away from citizens” argument.

11. We need a balanced budget. This is critical. It is unconscionable that we are crippling future generations. In my opinion, a government shutdown may be required to spur us into action. I hope not. It should be avoided. It would be best if a shutdown did not happen. However, it is better to shut down the government than to increase our debt.

12. A balanced budget is only a start. From there I think we need to work on generating a surplus to pay our debt down. Instead of increasing our debt ceiling, I think that Congress should regularly decrease the ceiling.

13. Our military should be reduced. Maybe not a lot, but definitely some. It would be better if our boys were with their families and with jobs that contribute to the economy.

14. I don’t have a big problem with nationally defined education standards. Guidelines on what a 4th grader should know does have value. I have a big problem with national requirements on how those standards are taught. States should have flexibility with those standards. Communities should have the greatest say in how those standards are implemented.

15. Preschool should not be required. Kindergarten should not be all day. A child’s younger years should be spent with their parents.

16. Congress should not be exempt from any law. All citizens should be held to the same law.

17. I am pro-life. The child in the womb has the right to life. Yes, there may be exceptions. They should be rare.

18. We don’t need more gun laws. We do need to enforce the gun laws we have.

19. Obscenity laws should be enforced. Pornography is not harmless and should not be encouraged. Children should be actively shielded from porn.

20. I was very disappointed in the ruling from the Supreme Court on Prop 8. In cases where a governor (or other civic leader) declines to defend a law, proponents of that law should have the right to defend it.

21. Drugs and other harmful substances should not be legalized.

22. And, last, but not least, and as I’ve mentioned once or twice, we all need to be more active in the government. We should be aware of the issues and voice our opinion. We really should hold our representatives accountable for their actions.

Well, I’m sure I forgot some things, but that should give you the basic flavor of my political ideals.

Needles and Haystacks

At work we have a tool that analyzes the code we write. It looks for possible problems and bugs. It’s pretty impressive.

And really prolific.

The problem with it is that it reports literally hundreds of potential problems, when in reality there may only be a few real bugs. So we can spend a lot of time digging through the reports deciding which items are real and which are not.

It’s a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack, and because of that it can be rather frustrating. Especially when you’re not quite sure whether something really is a needle or is just a piece of hay.

But if you think that’s bad, you should check out our legislation sometime.

A recent Ensign article reiterated (again) the prophets’ counsel to be involved in our communities and nations. For myself, I have tried to follow somewhat what my state legislature has been doing. And holy cow. Talk about a lot of static. Between the sheer amount of noise and the regular busy-ness of life my own efforts were a whole lot less than I’d hoped.

But I did do a little. Hopefully I can continue doing at least a little.

There are so many problems and so many issues. There’s so much that needs to be done. It’s more like a stack of needles with maybe a few pieces of hay in it. Everyone is needed. In 2012 I wrote that we all have responsibility for what happens in our communities, states, and nations–good and bad, and I still believe that. They are shaped by our voices. Or by the lack thereof.

So do something. Write in a blog. Post something (worthwhile) on Facebook. Even better, write to your representatives. Let your opinion be known at a city council meeting. Volunteer at a library, homeless shelter or soup kitchen.

Make your voice heard. Maybe only a few people will hear it, but that’s OK. Do what you can. It will make a difference.

 

Squanto

After enjoying a wonderful Thanksgiving meal and letting things settle, we sat down and put on the “Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” video, which includes a presentation on the pilgrims, their struggles, and the aid that was given to them by the Indians, particularly by Squanto.

I thought about the life that this man had. Captured and taken away from his home, almost sold into slavery, continually trying to return back home. When he is able to return home, it’s not there. His entire tribe has been wiped out by disease.

Two things really strike me about Squanto. the first is that in spite of his sufferings, he chooses to help the Pilgrims. He is not only instrumental, but vital in helping them to survive and learn how to live in their new home (which happens to be his old home). Think about that for a minute. He could so easily have been bitter. He could so easily have withheld his support and knowledge. He could have told Chief Massasoit what horrible people the white men were, but he didn’t. He helped those who were in need.

The second thing that strikes is that because of his sufferings, he is able to help the Pilgrims. Because he was taken to England he learned English, which was critical to his being able to help the Pilgrims right away. He understood the white man, and how they lived. He knew better than anyone how to best help these people.

I am so grateful for the kindness and generosity of this great man.

And I wonder, in what ways will the trials I have and suffering I go through be used to assist others?

Thanksgiving

I love this time of year. I love that we have a national holiday that is based on gratitude, particularly to God for our blessings. For myself, while I absolutely love the big-huge-meal part of the holiday, each year I am more excited for the gratitude that is (or at least should be) behind it.

One tradition that many people do for Thanksgiving is to express gratitude for something on each day on November, leading up to Thanksgiving (typically on Facebook). While I like that idea, it’s not one that I have done myself, although I encourage you to consider President Eyring’s words on the subject:

I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.

I have tried to do this, with limited success… I haven’t yet really got it into my routine. Maybe if I had a routine…

Anyway, I don’t think we say thank you enough. I’m always in such a hurry rushing from one thing to another, family-work-church-kids-wife-friends-church-work-family that I think that I have been remiss in expressing gratitude in some cases, and even recognizing the need to in others. Notes and expressions of gratitude and encouragement go a long way.

What I intend to do this Thanksgiving season is write thank-you notes to some of my favorite bloggers. I’m somewhat addicted to blogs, and there are 4 or 5 in particular that I have really enjoyed and/or felt inspired and instructed by generally. They have had posts I have enjoyed pretty consistently, rather than just one or two posts (not that I agree with everything they have to say). I’ll post those notes here on my blog.

 

Opposing Same-sex Marriage

So I support traditional marriage. Why do I oppose same-sex marriage? What’s the big deal? And if I’m supposed to love my neighbor, including homosexuals, then how is it OK to tell them how to live?

In 1997, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a statement concerning the family and its importance to God’s plan. This statement concludes with this warning:

“WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

So, on one hand, the leaders of my Church feel that this is an important enough issue (preserving the family) that we should be actively engaged in it. And I do believe in the leaders of my Church.1

On top of that, so far it seems apparent that same-sex marriage is contributing to the erosion of the family. I believe that same-sex marriage decreases the focus of marriage from the family to simply “two people in love.” And yes, I’ve heard the arguments about old or infertile people marrying, and in my opinion, those kinds of unions can (and do) exist without changing the definition of marriage. Marriage by definition is still focused on family (including children) as the ideal. Once we decide that it’s really just any two people that want to extend a commitment to each other, well, that’s changing the definition.

This brings up another interesting trick that’s being played on those who support the traditional family, and that is simply the idea that it’s up to us to prove that same-sex marriage is bad for society. If traditional marriage is the status quo, then why isn’t the burden of proof on those who desire same-sex marriage to prove that what they want will not harm society?

So far what I’m seeing is a continuing erosion of morality, family, and religion. And same-sex marriage is pushing those bounds even further. What’s more, it doesn’t seem to be stopping with same-sex marriage. Our country has been here before. Initially the idea was that civil unions would be the answer and that would be fine. Now it isn’t anymore, and we have to have same-sex marriage. And even as that is being pushed, calls are being made to further erode the idea of marriage, and/or to simply do away with it altogether (at least from a legal stand point).

I’m sorry, but to me, this is not progress. This is not how our nation, communities, and homes can be healed (and what is the definition of home without a family, anyway?). We need families. We need morality, and we need religion. I believe these things are fundamental in a society that believes in responsibility, work, and serving others. Those are the ideals that can build  (and repair) our society. And I firmly believe that family is the best place to learn those things. I also believe that religion is an important support for the family in this regard.

This is why I oppose same-sex marriage.

This does mean that I (and those who support traditional marriage) are indeed “telling people how to live.” We are forcing our ideals upon others. What a horrible, evil thing to do!

But…

Isn’t that exactly what law is supposed to do? Isn’t that exactly why we have governments? Not to dictate every moment of our lives, but to establish order. To debate and decide upon rules, regulations and ideals that will help us to live together as a society (Where the line should exist between “dictating every moment” and “establishing order” is a different topic). In forming such laws and regulations, we should discuss our ideas and beliefs. And yes, our morals will definitely affect that. And they should.

So if the chance to vote on same-sex marriage comes up, then I will vote against it. If I have an opportunity to discuss it with others, I will take it. That is true for lots of things both moral and otherwise. That does not mean that I hate homosexuals. It does mean that marriage and family are very important to me and that I feel the need to do what I can to protect and strengthen them.


Footnotes
  1. Of course this makes me one of the mindless “sheeple” who just does whatever my Church leaders tell me to. In my Church, we are expected to follow the prophets, but more importantly to gain our own independent witness of the things we are told to do. Essentially, we are to seek confirmation from God that what they are telling us is correct. See Elder Oaks talk, Two Lines of Communication. Another answer to this is simply, “Yes, I am trying to follow a Shepherd.” []

Why I Support the Traditional Family

Recently I got into a conversation with a homosexual individual on Facebook about the same-sex debate. It wasn’t long and I certainly was not able to answer his questions to his satisfaction. I support the traditional family. That is a nice positive statement. It does also mean that I oppose same-sex marriage. I do. And what’s more, the core reasons that I oppose it are due to moral and religious objections (which is why I was unable to answer his questions to his satisfaction).

While I can’t say I particularly enjoyed the conversation (“I don’t like confrontations!” ~T-Rex), I am glad I was able to have it–I learned a few things. These are really obvious when they’re written down like this, but they may be harder to apply than one might think.

  1. It’s easy to agree with your fellow church members that same-sex marriage is bad. For me it’s more difficult to disagree with a gay person who is currently unable to marry their partner, and who could understandably be frustrated with religious people keeping him from marrying. I think it is important to be able to share your differences respectfully to those who disagree with you.
  2. When doing so, I think it is important to listen to what they have to say. Show the respect for them that you want them to show for you. That doesn’t mean that you are agreeing with them or compromising your beliefs. It simply means that you are trying to understand them and their position a little better. Hopefully they will extend the same courtesy to you (whether they do or not doesn’t really matter).
  3. I also think it is important that we be willing and able to explain why we have the stance that we have. As in my case, your reasons may be completely rejected. That’s OK. Again, you should not expect that your powerful words of wisdom will cause the planets to align and convince whomever you are addressing to see the error of their ways and agree to everything you say (willingly or otherwise, depending on what mood your imagination is in). The idea here is to honestly explain why believe and act the way you do.

The core question that came up was this: “Why is the issue of same-sex marriage so important that I would stand against it, affecting homosexual couples who wish to marry?” That is absolutely a fair question.

As I mentioned earlier, the core reasons why I oppose same-sex marriage absolutely ties in with my moral beliefs and religion (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I believe that there is a body of men who are prophets. I have felt the Spirit confirm this to me multiple times. I have seen how my life and outlook on life have improved as I have followed their counsel over time.

These prophets have been very clear on this issue: that while we should not support same-sex marriage, we also should not be hateful, mean, or discriminatory towards homosexuals. They have also explicitly spelled out that it is no sin to have feelings of same-gender attraction. It is a sin to act on those feelings.

Some of the basic doctrines of the Church are that marriage was instituted by God as the union of a man and a woman, and that gender (as opposed to sexual orientation) is part of our eternal identity. Families are not just constructs for this life-time. Instead they are the building blocks of society both here and in the hereafter. Morality is defined by God and is eternal.

Members of the Church who are gay are not and should not be considered or treated as second-class citizens. Just as single members of the Church are not second-class citizens. We believe that if we are faithful, then any blessing that we are unable to achieve in this lifetime will be ours in the life to come. This includes marriage and family.

These are the main reasons why I do not support same-sex marriage. There are other reasons. I have read a number of arguments opposing SSM, and in general I would say I agree with them. But when the rubber hits the road, this is it.

I can see why this would be totally unacceptable to a gay man who does not believe in religion at all, let alone that there is a body of men who are prophets of God. Again, that’s OK. I can explain what I believe. I absolutely have a right to do that. Anyone who bothers to listen absolutely has the right to decide what to do with that.

I also absolutely have a right to add my voice and my vote to issues that I believe are important. Do my morals and religion affect my opinions? Of course they do! Any set of beliefs or code of conduct that does not affect the person following them is useless and meaningless.

So, in a nutshell, that’s where I stand. I do not hate homosexuals. Indeed, if I claim to oppose SSM primarily because of my belief in the prophets and understanding of Church doctrine, then I shouldn’t. If I do, that’s something I need to work on, isn’t it? Here’s another way to think of it. What was Christ’s reaction to the prostitute? “Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more.” The Savior, whom I claim to follow as a disciple, did not condemn the prostitute. But He also didn’t condone the behavior.

So far the discussion has centered largely on why I don’t support SSM, but that’s only part of the question, isn’t it? I plan on writing a follow-up on why I actually oppose SSM. Given my current writing frequency, I’ve got a good three months to do it. 🙂

As I mentioned before, I have read a number of articles defending the traditional family view. Here are some of them

Some additional words from the afore-mentioned prophets

And some more just in case you are still following

In Memory of the Empty Stocking

I’ve been thinking and trying to work on something for this for quite some time. As usual, I’ve been over-thinking it and trying to come up with the perfect words of consolation, comfort and call to action, etc.

What I want to do is express my sorrow over the tragedy in Newtown, and explain that I believe the right way to show our consolation and grief is for us to take steps to see that such a thing does not happen again.

Such an idea is by no means a new one. President Obama said essentially the same thing, that we needed to work on this without regard for the politics involved.

I believe that we need to remember that we are all part of one nation, and as such, we all have responsibility in it.  The strength and character of the nation is defined by the strength of it’s people, homes, and communities.

We are responsible for this nation. Us. Not just Congress, not just the President. Not the major corporations or the media.

We are responsible for what does and does not happen in this nation. We. All of us. We are responsible for the good and the bad. It is up to us to shape our nation, and in fact, we do that whether we do so consciously or not. Our inaction or apathy will shape the nation one way or another.

Yes, we are busy. Yes, we do have lives to live, mouths to feed, children to take care of, church to attend, duties to fulfill. But I think it is important for us to not forget one of those duties. To be a part in the shaping of not just our homes (as important as that is), but also our Nation. Our States. Our communities.

To me, this is the best way to memorialize the lives that were lost in Newtown, Aurora, Virginia Tech, Columbine, and an increasing number of others.

After the tragedy occurred, the words that brought the most comfort to me were from the Christmas song “I heard the Bells on Christmas Day.” This poem was written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow during the Civil war. His wife had recently died, and his son was badly wounded:

And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men.”
I believe that. I believe it with all my heart.

I do not believe that belief alone is enough. My religion teaches that belief is to be coupled with action and effort. Do you want “peace on earth, goodwill to men?” Then what are you doing to bring that about?

I am reminded of the scene from the movie Hotel Rwanda, where the camera man, after filming the horrible tragedies that are occurring, says something to the effect of, “People will see this on their TV’s, say ‘Oh, that’s horrible’ and then go back to their dinner.”
Can we not just go back to our dinner?
My intention is to encourage us to feel a greater sense of community and responsibility for that community. There are so many problems, but there are so many ways that we can help. Your actions matter. Your vote does count. Your voice does make a difference.

As we do so, of course there will be people who disagree with you, your point of view, and the ways in which you are contributing. Talk, share, discuss, encourage, be respectful. Don’t fight, argue, hate, or be sarcastic.

This Christmas, there will be many empty stockings, and not just in Newtown. These words are in memory of those empty stockings, and with a firmer conviction to add my voice and my efforts in healing and shaping this wonderful nation that I am a part of.

My blogroll: Get Rich Slowly

The focus on this site is managing your finances and saving money. Lots of plain sense and good ideas.

http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/